The T word that leads to the F word

I'm convinced that the people who live next door think I'm a monster mother. I think this because although lovely and friendly to my face they must hear me when I lose my rag. Also, I can hear them from time to time - our walls aren't exactly sound-proof!

I do my absolute best to be a calm, collected mum who can rise above anything. Some mornings I wake up with a new mantra in my head and a big smile on my face to become that perfect mum once again (although I'm not sure I've actually met her). This normally occurs after an arduous bedtime routine the night before. But I'm afraid it's often short-lived and the yelling-like-a-banshee fish-wife returns stronger than ever (particularly at a certain time of the month).

And then I feel utterly wretched that instead of speaking in a calm but authoritative tone to cut through the tantrum as demonstrated by the lovely Supernanny, I find myself roaring in competition with and at the same pitch as the little miss. Out of interest, does Jo Frost have any children of her own? Don't get me wrong, I think she's amazing and have frequently imagined her flying in and sorting out naughty steps and reward charts all round (for me included), but I too am a whizz when it comes to other people's children's tantrums. I just can't deal with my own.

But I do count myself lucky that I've only got the one six-going-on-sixteen year old to deal with. Yesterday I found myself taking pity on a poor mum who was trying to peel a starfish-shaped toddler off the ground while her baby yelled on. And I could sense her stress levels rising as she marched past me with gritted teeth and firm jaw, armed with a reluctant toddler, no doubt suppressing the urge to have a loud outburst of Tourettes.

So considering we're all in the same boat and not living the life of the Stepford Wives, isn't it strange that we worry so much about what other people think of us?

I think it's fair to say that at times kids can be positively horrid and so if I want to scream and scream and scream until I make myself sick, then I bloody well will. OK, more likely you'll hear me muttering the F-word under my breath while trying to find a way to compose myself to deal with the tantrum being drawn out in front of me.

Incidentally, muttering under my breath negatively in response to something the OH said landed me in big trouble today as the little miss heard exactly what I was saying and, thinking that OH probably hadn't heard what I'd said (yes, that was the point), repeated it. Thank you madam. Lesson learned.

Do events like World Breastfeeding Week really work?

Today is the start of World Breastfeeding Week.

I recognise that World Breastfeeding Week is a hook to raise awareness of the benefits of breast feeding but I have this nagging feeling that it will only be preaching to the converted – one week of awareness raising cannot change the world overnight.

I did breastfeed my daughter but that doesn’t mean I’m a preachy breastfeeder. I believe everyone should make the choice that’s right for them and right for their baby. In my antenatal group there were six mums, three of us breastfed, three formula fed, but it was everyone’s personal choice and today we’ve got six very happy bouncy children to show for it.

I do think it’s a shame however that the number of mums in the UK who choose to breastfeed are on the decline or give up early because they say they did not receive enough support or information to help them.

I know there’s a particular issue with young mums preferring the bottle over the boob and this is where I think campaigns like Be a Star really work. They’ve been developed having first gained an understanding of young people’s barriers to breastfeeding and this campaign sets out to glamourize it - it’s positive reinforcement rather than criticism for those who don’t, and I think that’s important to remember for all first-time mums, whatever their age.

I remember my own experience of having a baby who was a sleepy feeder, wouldn’t latch on, I was exhausted, she was exhausted and starving and I could so easily have given up. Fortunately, a very close friend who is also a midwife helped me and gave me the support I needed. But that support hadn’t been available to me at the hospital as the poor over-stretched midwives raced from one mum to the next and it’s probably in that first hour after giving birth when mums really need help, not days later when they’re exhausted and feeling completely useless (as I was!).

One thing I really have a bug bear with though is that mums are told breastfeeding doesn’t hurt. And that’s rubbish. I don’t know any breastfeeding mum who has escaped pain free and I for one had a few absolutely excrutiating, tear-inducing days when I would have been much happier chopping off my legs without an anaesthetic than go through with another feed.

Even though I breastfed I wasn’t terribly happy to get them out in public so was very quick to hunt out the places I could go when out and about to discretely feed my baby. Today I've seen lots of mums using baby nursing shawls to provide that extra bit of privacy for the not-so-bold mums like me – I do wish they’d been on the market six years ago.

To wrap up, I had lunch at a fantastic café called Ethel’s Kitchen in Hove yesterday and on their menu they state that mums are welcome to breastfeed. It’s lovely that they want to be so welcoming to mums but I think it’s a sad indication that other places aren’t so welcoming, as was highlighted in an example just last week by BrightonMums.com on their blog.

Mums have a right to feed their babies anywhere. Maybe if more businesses worked on welcoming breastfeeding mums, coupled with the availability of the nursing shawls for that bit of extra privacy, more mums may feel confident about breastfeeding in public?

Letting go of the baby reins…just a little

Three nights last week were spent living in a tent on a campsite nestled in the heart of the New Forest.

One of the things I love most about camping is the sense of freedom and the way it forces you to leave behind modern day living – although it took us three adults a little bit of getting used to the fact that not only were we without internet connection, we simply had no phone signal at all (note for reference: if you do want to stay in touch with the outside world, mix up your networks a bit – three people on 3 with no signal just didn’t work!)

So, free we were to throw away responsibility for four days, let the kids run wild with filthy feet and matted hair as they made new best friends for five minutes and didn’t stop playing from dawn until dusk. Although I did start to question my newly-adopted laid-back approach to parenting when I discovered my six year old making herself a crisp sandwich for breakfast!

Camping was real adventure for S and a perfect opportunity to give her a little bit of the independence she longs for (she’s going through the six going on 16 stage right now). I remember my own childhood experiences of camping, roaming around the campsite with my new friends and not actually being aware that my parents were there at all!

So when she asked if she could go to the shop on her own I decided to let her and watched tentatively as she disappeared from sight just briefly and then returned with the correct change and two ice packs and a grin from ear to ear full of tales of her brief entry into the world of grown-ups. And from then on there was no stopping her. She wanted to do the washing up, walk to the toilet block on her own, fill up the water bottles…I could very easily have taken full advantage of my daughter’s enthusiasm and let her get on with the cooking too!!

Leaving camping behind and returning to normal life (and normal height – you spend a lot of time bending over when camping unless you’ve been sensible and invested in a proper camping stove!) I felt saddened by images in this week’s newspaper of Sarah Payne and Madeleine McCann, two little girls whose tragic tales are a reminder of the world we live in today. I want my daughter to grow up without fear of the outside world but balanced with an awareness that normal life isn’t like one big happy campsite, where parents look out for each other’s kids, and you can just pop to the shop on your own at the age of six (oh – and that it’s the only time when you will find grown-ups in the shop in their pyjamas!)

What this camping trip has taught me is that I need to use my imagination to find ways to let S have a little bit more independence , but in a closely supervised sort of way. Eeek – letting go of those baby reins is definitely not an easy thing to do…

Bring the Baby recommendation:

Highly recommended for baby-friendly camping is Red Shoot Campsite in Linwood in the New Forest. It’s clean and very well maintained and the staff are extremely friendly and welcoming. There’s a dedicated family wash room in addition to the spacious toilet and shower blocks, plus there’s a pub on site for those nights when you want a night off from cooking sausages and beans. 10/10

The toilet and the absurdities of UK law

I’ve been in touch with the British Toilet Association this week to find out more about the law and the provision of public facilities.

I was really surprised to discover that they fall under one of the absurdities of UK law, in that there is no legal requirement for public toilets or baby changing facilities to be provided. But they are covered by guidelines within a British Standard. In reference to baby changing it states that 'adequate baby changing facilities should be provided in all public toilets'.

So I’m not sure whether to groan at the government here or raise my hat to the local authorities and businesses who have taken the initiative to include baby changing facilities where public toilets are provided.

The good news, according to the British Toilet Association, is that most planning departments will consider these recommendations in planning applications for new developments so there's opportunities for improvements in baby changing and feeding facilities. Ealing Council for example have really considered parents' needs in their planning guidance for baby care facilities, including separate baby changing and feeding facilities and enough space to manoeuvre and park pushchairs.

The British Toilet Association has long campaigned for legislation to be introduced regarding the provision of public toilet facilities. Unfortunately, this has fallen on deaf ears at Westminster and the problem has been further compounded by the local government budget cuts. And here I was thinking Mr Cameron was a family man! But their work doesn't stop there and they continue to lobby on behalf of our's and our baby's bottoms.

On the plus side, the British Toilet Association supports the Loo of the Year Awards which includes a category for baby changing facilities. Last year’s national award winner was Asda. Their criteria focuses on the provision of such facilities but I don't think it addresses issues such as whether nappy bins are emptied and if separate feeding facilities are provided, so that's where we come in.

As an aside, the urban myth that if you’re pregnant and need to pee, your need will be accommodated by a policeman’s hat is in fact...true. Another absurdity of UK law perhaps? I wonder if anyone has put it to the test…

What the baby books forget to tell you

Six years ago tomorrow I became a mum.

I’m sure I’m not alone in having read every single book I could get my hands on, scoured the internet obsessively and attended my ante-natal classes and listened and learned like an A-grade student in preparation for being the perfect mum.

I envisaged whiling away the hours with friends, drinking tea and eating cake as we cooed over our babies, relaxing with a glossy magazine while my baby slept, enjoying long hot summer days strolling through the park, sun kissed and contended (me and my baby). I mean that’s how it is isn’t it?

Wrong! My moment of realisation came as I found myself battling with an every-two-hours feeding schedule. I was determined to breastfeed but my little baby was a very sleepy feeder, which meant that one feed could take an hour and a half, with a half hour break and then off we went again. I barely had time to get myself in the shower let alone out of the front door!

I felt quite a failure during those early weeks – the highlight probably being when the health visitor came round two days after we’d come home from hospital, for a weigh-in. Having just fed and changed, I laid my baby on the sofa to undress her and at that moment she projectile pooed a stream of yellow stickiness on me, the walls and the cream sofa (fortunately missing the health visitor). As if that wasn’t enough, this was followed by a big wee and then she was sick. I didn’t know what or who to clean up first and I just stood there, mouth agog, holding up my naked baby. By now I was convinced the health visitor would see right through me as a total fraud who simply couldn’t be trusted to be in charge of such as small, fragile being.

Fortunately, things started to improve. I eventually managed to get out of the house and plan my power-walk dash to the shops or the park in between feeds or bundle us both into the car and drive as fast as I could (safely) to our destination before my daughter woke up.

As an aside, trying to fathom out the supermarket with a baby in tow was another story altogether – no one tells you about the special trolleys that enable you to shop and have your baby with you at the same time. I only found out about these trolleys after my first trip when I’d taken my mum along to push the baby in one trolley while I ran around pretending I was a contestant in Supermarket Sweep with another!

I also got to enjoy some of the summer during my maternity leave drinking tea and eating cake with my friends – although my sun kissed and contented look was definitely replaced with a sleep-deprived pasty complexion and stress.

Six years on – in spite of all the stresses and strains of parenting, it’s been the most amazing experience watching my daughter grow from being a little baby into a beautiful, sweet, happy little girl (even if our lives are still dictated by her need to eat little and often – some habits never change!). Happy birthday little S!

Bring the Baby's first steps

So how is Bring the Baby going to take shape? And what are we setting out to do?
It’s a grand vision but we want to change the face of baby friendliness in this country. There seems to be such huge inconsistencies in baby friendliness, not just between our high-street businesses, but within those businesses themselves. Research (that’s a loose term for cyber-stalking the parenting forums) has thrown up enormous differences between baby changing and feeding facilities in supermarkets and the big high-street names (even those whose main focus is the baby and parenting market) in towns just a few miles apart.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. There seem to be some places out there that are bounding ahead with their parent-friendly facilities – some of the larger out of town shopping centres for starters and Ikea for example seem to score highly.
So the first steps are to continue gathering information and use Bring the Baby to centralise it all so that we can start to identify what the key issues are that parents would like to see addressed. Number one appears to be combined baby changing and breast feeding facilities (such an obvious no no!), followed by overflowing and smelly nappy bins and dirty nappy changing facilities. Please add your comments to this list so that we know what the issues are that you want to be taken forward.
Thereafter, the plan is to contact companies about their policies and to flag the concerns raised by the Bring the Baby community. But we’re not going hell for leather for just the bad guys – I strongly believe that you can effect change by highlighting best practice and encouraging others to follow suit – so I think there should a combination of carrot and stick. But this is your campaign too, so if you have any thoughts or ideas, please share them.

Thanks to everyone who has joined Bring the Baby in its first week. Please continue to spread the word.

"I was told to breastfeed in the loo!"

Well, Bring the Baby is finally up and running. Thanks to everyone for 'liking' and 'following' and for the fantastic feedback. I'm glad you like the idea.

I've been hearing people's experiences of baby feeding and changing facilities - from having to negotiate, with a screaming baby in a pushchair, a slow and tight lift to reach a feeding room on the lower ground floor of a shopping centre in East Sussex to rave reviews about the facilities at a shopping centre in the Midlands.

But how would you feel if you were told to breastfeed your baby in the loo? This was experienced by a mum at a very popular family attraction in Surrey. I wonder how that member of staff would like it if they were told to eat their lunch on the toilet!

I'm keen to build up a more detailed picture of the good and bad points so please tell us about your experiences. Please feel free to leave comments here or join in the conversation on Twitter @bringthebaby or on our Facebook page.

Thanks - I look forward to hearing from you.
Justine