Thursday, 22 September 2011

Stepping off the hamster wheel of life

I wonder how many mums have watched the new Sarah Jessica Parker film I don't know how she does it and thought, well I do, because that's my life.

And I wonder how many mums wish that they could replace their own Kate Reddy character with Sarah Jessica Parker's better known Carrie Bradshaw and switch their carry cot for a Cosmopolitan.

I was moved this week when I came across a blog post about how depression can make you a bad parent. A little harsh, I thought but when I read it, it made sense. It's about how ignoring the signs and refusing to seek help can make you a bad parent - and this created a little ouch in me.

The truth is that I have fought those demons in my head since my little girl was born, and six years on they still come up and bite me, gnawing away at my ear with negative thoughts about my parenting abilities. And I can say with complete conviction as I write that my thoughts are completely irrational but when they take hold then the only voice I'm hearing is that one that tells me I'm a bad mum.

My second admission of the day is that I didn't want to be labelled. I didn't want people to know that I was struggling. I didn't want people to think I wasn't a good mum...until it drove me pretty crazy.

And all this because everyone else around me seemed to be managing OK. Or were they?

Being a mum is by far the hardest job you will ever do so it's no wonder we end up feeling like we've lost the plot. Sorry dads, I'm not meaning to exclude you here, but mums come equipped with extra helpings of stress, worry and anxiety genes, not to mention the hormones.

But the more I hear and the more mums I speak to it appears that PND and/or parenting related anxiety is more common than not - but what's causing it? Of course if you speak to our parents or grandparents they seem to tell a different story of how you "just got on with it." So what's changed?

Personally I blame the media and its portrayal of parenting - the beautiful celebrities and their perfect bundles - for creating a rose-tinted impression of what parenthood is all about. And what happens if you set your expectations to high? You come crashing down in a big heap. Accepted of course that PND can be caused by a chemical imbalance too, but surely the perception of parenting and the sense of failure we feel when things don't go right must be a huge contributory factor?

Combine that with the pressures placed upon the busy working mum and the enormous dollop of guilt she's carrying around on her shoulders and is it any wonder that we're silently screaming for help?

At the start of this week I had a collision with those demons once again. Faced with the choice of jumping on the first aeroplane out of this country and my life, or finding a way to muddle through the quagmire in my chaotic head, I decided to step off the hamster wheel by taking a week off work, checking in with my counsellor, and giving myself a break.

These last few days have helped me put things back into perspective and get a handle on the negative thought demons that do paralyse me and stop me from being a good parent as the Real Supermum's blog points out. But by facing up to, rather than ignoring them, I can get back on the right track towards happy mummy state.

And I think it's perfectly OK to long for a Carrie Bradshaw moment in my Kate Reddy life. Whose to say carry cots and Cosmopolitans shouldn't go hand in hand?





Saturday, 17 September 2011

How is it possible to be this tired and still be awake!

I felt really sorry for Mel B this week pictured looking exhausted in the Daily Mail.

Not sorry because she was pictured looking less than perfect, but because I empathised 100% with that sleep deprived feeling.

There really is nothing like it. So how do we survive it?

My survival tool was Victoria sponge cake, or any other sponge cake in the absence of the Victoria variety. It just had to be sponge. And that was fine when I was at home - I made sure the cupboard was full of sponge cake (no, I'm not the baking kind of gal) and friends were on strict instructions to come armed when they visited.

So that's life at home with a new-born sorted. But what about when I was out and about?

Picture this. One stressed-out, sleep deprived mum. (Zombie-liked movements, accompanied with Donald Pleasance-esk stark-staring eyes are the give-away) robotically walking along nose twitching in search of sugary substances and.....coffee! It's getting urgent, the baby's getting restless and it's almost feedtime. I. Need. Coffee. And. I. Need. Cake. And. I. Need. It. Now.

There it is. A coffee shop. But it's 1pm and it's heaving. There's a queue so long it's just never going to move and I can't get my buggy through the door because there's a couple of students chatting idly on the other side totally unaware that the boggly-eyed, purpled-faced monster on the other side of the door is in fact a human being who needs a hand with the door and her baby is really starting to cry now and I'm going to cry too if someone doesn't help me. Arghh!!

Inside, I join the queue, stress levels peaking now and I'm cursing the person at the front who has had all the time in the world to peruse the coffee menu, but no, they just wait until they get to the front and then ponder over the variety of choices.

Eventually it's my turn. Coffee and cake will soon be mine. But only then do I consider the challenge in front of me. How am I going to get my tray loaded with coffee and cake from the counter to the table while negotiating the tables with my enormous pushchair. (Note to mums to be: big pushchairs may look lovely but they are impossible to get through tight spaces, you constantly take out people's shins and you need to be the world's strongest man to get them in and out of the boot of your car.)

Back to the point in hand, how do I...and then it happens. The young lad behind the counter turns into an angel before my eyes as he offers to carry my tray to my table. Well that was it. That simple gesture and I have been their most loyal customer ever since.

In terms of baby-friendliness there's smelly nappy bins, combined feeding and changing rooms and antiquated attitudes towards public breastfeeding to overcome, but this simple gesture made it a simple yay or a nay as to whether I'd go back again with a baby in tow. The good news is that they're one of the bigger coffee chains and although my own little lady is big enough to make her own way to our table now while I carry the tray I was relieved to see the same thing happening in another one of their branches.

So which coffee shop gets your vote for baby-friendliness? Cast your vote in our poll

I'll tell you who got my vote in due course...












Thursday, 8 September 2011

Call in the PR team...we've made a baby blooper

Drum roll please....

In honour of some astonishing blunders I'm pleased to announce the Bring the Baby Bloopers.

The Bloopers are awarded to companies or individuals who have, through ignorance of the law, failings in staff training, lack of consideration for parents with babies or simply just bigoted personal opinion, made a big bloop.

And so without further ado and in no particular order, the awards for the Bring the Baby Bloopers go to:

The Lakeside Inn, Felgate, Jarrow, South Tyneside. Awarded for asking a mum to stop breastfeeding her baby in the restaurant.

The Science Museum, London. Awarded because a security guard suggested to a mum breastfeeding her baby in a public area that she use the family room.

Drayton Manor Hotel in Staffordshire for telling a mum to change her child on the toilet floor.

The Prince Regent Swimming Complex in Brighton for asking a mum to stop breastfeeding her baby by the poolside.



    BBC Radio Suffolk DJ James Hazell for comparing breastfeedinging to sex in public.



      Chessington World of Adventures for telling a mum to feed her baby in the loo.

      Parents and businesses: Find out what the law says about breastfeeding in public (mums: it's your right)

      Read top tips from mum blogger, Corinne Hills on how to deal with unwanted attention when breastfeeding in public.






        The Bring the Baby Bloopers are compiled from information provided by parents, reported in the media or shared by bloggers. If you would like to share your blooper experience, please add it here.




















        Wednesday, 31 August 2011

        Guest blog: Camping with Children

        If you've ever wondered how you'd survive camping with a baby or young children, read the experience of one mum, Corinne, who shares her top tips for stress-free camping here:

        I have been on camping holidays since I was a baby, when we were kids my parents would pack up our small caravan and head off to places like the New Forest for a week at a time. Often we would team up with another family for a holiday, which as children we loved as we had ready made friends with us.

        Looking back I remember these holidays with great fondness and most of my strongest childhood memories are from these times. It can’t have always been easy for my parents, there are 4 of us plus there were often young foster children added to the mix so they must have been busy trips for my Mum and Dad. Despite this I remember my parents being at their most relaxed on holiday.

        As an adult I continued to camp, on holiday or at festivals and have always been happy in a 2 man tent with a roll mat and a sleeping bag. As I’ve got older and sleep has become more of a necessity I like a bit more comfort on my camping trips, but am always happy to rough it in terms of site facilities. I like a basic campsite and tend to avoid ones with ‘facilities’, a toilet block will do me.

        This year we have really embraced camping again and purchased a beautiful bell tent in the hopes it will provide us with a lovely camping space for the next 20 years or so. We have just returned from a camping and baby naming weekend we organised for our youngest, we found that even friends who don’t do camping loved it. These are my top tips for camping with children:

        1. If you are going to be a regular camping family invest in a decent sized tent. It does not need to be HUGE or posh or canvas but you should be able to stand up in it. On a wet day when you are stuck inside for longer than usual you will be so glad of this. Modern 4 man tents often have a porch or central area which are tall enough to stand in (the bedrooms do not need to be tall), these are ideal for a family of 4. The central area is also useful for storing stuff that doesn’t fit in the bedrooms.

        2. Buy airbeds or camp beds. Do not think you’ll be warm and comfortable on the floor, you really won’t be. We had some friends staying at the campsite this weekend who decided they would leave theirs behind as their car was rather full, but then they got no sleep. It gets very cold at night and an airbed helps with warmth and comfort. If you have lots of room in your vehicle consider a memory foam mattress topper for the airbed, I’ve just got one and it is utter bliss, better than my bed at home! I always use duvet and pillows when camping, sleeping bags are fine if there’s less room but make sure they’re warm ones, even in the summer it gets cold at night. Take extra blankets if you can, they’re also useful for wrapping up in if anyone gets cold or wet.

        3. Camping stoves are great but think about what and how much you’ll be cooking. I used to use a small stove but only ever heated up tins of beans and sausages. When I wanted to cook better meals I bought a single ring stove which the bottles slide into, it’s fine but the gas quickly runs out. We might upgrade to a bigger stove with separate gas bottle. The gas bottle is initially expensive but is worth it in the long run for us as we’ll get lots of use out of it. Boiling water uses lots of energy so consider getting a Kelly/Storm kettle if you drink lots of tea (like I do). It’s also ideal to get the water boiling for pasta/rice/vegetables. They are easy to use and rely on twigs for fuel so reduce costs long term. If you will eat out most of the time a basic stove will do. We like sites that allow camp fires, these are perfect to cook over but you will need to educate children on safe behaviour around campfires and barbeques.

        4. Get ready for getting cold and wet. Layers are the best thing for adults and children as they can be easily added to or taken off. Even at night I wear pyjamas, socks and a jumper. All in one waterproof suits and wellies are perfect for toddlers, our toddler wears his most of the time, even if it’s dry as his favourite game is pouring water from pots. Once you get wet and cold camping it is hard to warm up again, something we struggle to get our 12 year old to understand!

        5. Be prepared for late nights and early mornings. Especially at the beginning of a trip children will be excited. Forget the usual bedtime but do keep a routine (teeth brushing, story, bed, type of thing). We generally keep the children up until its dark on the first night or they don’t settle, generally they go to bed earlier as the week goes on as they’re tired out. They still get up with the sun, but again this settles down. If they are small try and plan a walk or a drive at some point during the day so they can get a nap in their buggy or car seat, it makes the evenings less stressful! When we put our toddler to bed he would get upset if we went outside the tent so we stayed inside until he went to sleep, however, this did mean pretending to be asleep for 10 minutes while he went off to sleep and ignoring his attempts to get our attention.

        6. If you are bottle feeding a baby, a bowl and some sterilising tablets is the easiest way to sterilise bottles while away, they can be purchased at the chemist or supermarket. Other baby essentials (while trying not to take too much were folding changing mat, disposable nappies, baby wipes, nappy cream and a sling or buggy.

        7. At night we put the baby and toddler in lots of layers. They wore a vest, babygrow, baby sleeping bag and a hooded cardigan. I also had blankets close by for really cold nights. This seemed to be enough to keep them cosy, they are less likely to wake up if they are warm. Our toddler slept in a travel cot and the baby either in the pram or with me, but on top of the covers.

        8. Have a canvas bag with wash stuff in. It’s a small annoyance but morning and evening I would get asked where the toothbrushes were and there’d be a big search as they’d never go back where they started. This time I put everyone’s things in a canvas bag (possibly separate for boys and girls if using separate loos) and it was by the door of the tent and ready to go. On cleanliness, we are scruffy/smelly campers and the most we manage is teeth brushing, hair brushing and a strip wash. Our ‘wash bag’ contains toothbrushes, toothpaste, hairbrush, small quick drying towel and a toilet roll. I sometimes take more things but they never get used!

        9. Plan for points of stress. These would typically be the journey at either end of the trip, trying to put the tent up and cooking. Make sure there is entertainment for the journey, especially if it's a long one, even if it's being ready to play I Spy with them for 5 solid hours. When putting up the tent give the children 'jobs' to do, it could be collecting kindling for the campfire later on or getting sleeping bags ready. Our toddler loved banging the tent pegs in even though they were already in place. We were a little worried about our toddler getting burnt while we were cooking or using the Kelly Kettle, so ended up strapping him into his buggy while we did those jobs, it wasn't ideal but it was the safest option.

        10. Go prepared with activities. It could be a football and a pack of cards but think ahead of what you might need to entertain your children and what is or isn’t on site. We have a wonderful book called Nature's Playground: Activities, Crafts and Games to Encourage Children to get Outdoors. It’s full of great ideas and can really help when trying to entertain children outdoors.

        So those are my top tips, I hope they are useful. Most of all enjoy being in the outdoors, go with friends if you can and make the most of creating those special memories.

        Find out more about Corinne and her family on her blog Motherhood Journeys or follower her on Twitter @MotherScuffer











        Friday, 19 August 2011

        Planning a staycation? Check out our guide to the top-scoring baby-friendly holiday parks

        If you're planning a last minute get-away to wrap up the summer holidays or are organised enough to be planning for next year, then check out these top scoring baby-friendly holiday parks, which received a 2010 Loo of the Year Award (baby change category).

        The Loo of the Year Awards has a stringent judging criteria to ensure that parents and babies' needs are met. These include the provision of unisex facilities, adequate space for a twin buggy/pushchair and whether the area is clean and doesn't smell, among other things.

        It's stressful enough organising a holiday, but with baby in tow, it can tip our stress levels over the edge. So finding a holiday park that goes that extra mile to meet parents' and babies needs gets a big thumbs up in my book. So here's the roll-call for the top-scoring baby change facilities in Great Britain, courtesy of the Loo of the Year Awards:

        England

        Stourport-on-Severn
        Worcestershire


        Scotland

        Loch Greshornish, Borve Arnisort, Edinbane
        Portree
        Isle of Skye


        Wales

        Pencelli
        Brecon
        Powys


        Northern Ireland

        Larne
        County Antrim





        Have you been camping with a young baby this year? Please get in touch if you'd like to write a guest blog for Bring the Baby and share your tips stress-free camping with babies. Email: justine.pannett@gmail.com






        Wednesday, 17 August 2011

        The T word that leads to the F word

        I'm convinced that the people who live next door think I'm a monster mother. I think this because although lovely and friendly to my face they must hear me when I lose my rag. Also, I can hear them from time to time - our walls aren't exactly sound-proof!

        I do my absolute best to be a calm, collected mum who can rise above anything. Some mornings I wake up with a new mantra in my head and a big smile on my face to become that perfect mum once again (although I'm not sure I've actually met her). This normally occurs after an arduous bedtime routine the night before. But I'm afraid it's often short-lived and the yelling-like-a-banshee fish-wife returns stronger than ever (particularly at a certain time of the month).

        And then I feel utterly wretched that instead of speaking in a calm but authoritative tone to cut through the tantrum as demonstrated by the lovely Supernanny, I find myself roaring in competition with and at the same pitch as the little miss. Out of interest, does Jo Frost have any children of her own? Don't get me wrong, I think she's amazing and have frequently imagined her flying in and sorting out naughty steps and reward charts all round (for me included), but I too am a whizz when it comes to other people's children's tantrums. I just can't deal with my own.

        But I do count myself lucky that I've only got the one six-going-on-sixteen year old to deal with. Yesterday I found myself taking pity on a poor mum who was trying to peel a starfish-shaped toddler off the ground while her baby yelled on. And I could sense her stress levels rising as she marched past me with gritted teeth and firm jaw, armed with a reluctant toddler, no doubt suppressing the urge to have a loud outburst of Tourettes.

        So considering we're all in the same boat and not living the life of the Stepford Wives, isn't it strange that we worry so much about what other people think of us?

        I think it's fair to say that at times kids can be positively horrid and so if I want to scream and scream and scream until I make myself sick, then I bloody well will. OK, more likely you'll hear me muttering the F-word under my breath while trying to find a way to compose myself to deal with the tantrum being drawn out in front of me.

        Incidentally, muttering under my breath negatively in response to something the OH said landed me in big trouble today as the little miss heard exactly what I was saying and, thinking that OH probably hadn't heard what I'd said (yes, that was the point), repeated it. Thank you madam. Lesson learned.


        Monday, 1 August 2011

        Do events like World Breastfeeding Week really work?

        Today is the start of World Breastfeeding Week.

        I recognise that World Breastfeeding Week is a hook to raise awareness of the benefits of breast feeding but I have this nagging feeling that it will only be preaching to the converted – one week of awareness raising cannot change the world overnight.

        I did breastfeed my daughter but that doesn’t mean I’m a preachy breastfeeder. I believe everyone should make the choice that’s right for them and right for their baby. In my antenatal group there were six mums, three of us breastfed, three formula fed, but it was everyone’s personal choice and today we’ve got six very happy bouncy children to show for it.

        I do think it’s a shame however that the number of mums in the UK who choose to breastfeed are on the decline or give up early because they say they did not receive enough support or information to help them.

        I know there’s a particular issue with young mums preferring the bottle over the boob and this is where I think campaigns like Be a Star really work. They’ve been developed having first gained an understanding of young people’s barriers to breastfeeding and this campaign sets out to glamourize it - it’s positive reinforcement rather than criticism for those who don’t, and I think that’s important to remember for all first-time mums, whatever their age.

        I remember my own experience of having a baby who was a sleepy feeder, wouldn’t latch on, I was exhausted, she was exhausted and starving and I could so easily have given up. Fortunately, a very close friend who is also a midwife helped me and gave me the support I needed. But that support hadn’t been available to me at the hospital as the poor over-stretched midwives raced from one mum to the next and it’s probably in that first hour after giving birth when mums really need help, not days later when they’re exhausted and feeling completely useless (as I was!).

        One thing I really have a bug bear with though is that mums are told breastfeeding doesn’t hurt. And that’s rubbish. I don’t know any breastfeeding mum who has escaped pain free and I for one had a few absolutely excrutiating, tear-inducing days when I would have been much happier chopping off my legs without an anaesthetic than go through with another feed.

        Even though I breastfed I wasn’t terribly happy to get them out in public so was very quick to hunt out the places I could go when out and about to discretely feed my baby. Today I've seen lots of mums using baby nursing shawls to provide that extra bit of privacy for the not-so-bold mums like me – I do wish they’d been on the market six years ago.

        To wrap up, I had lunch at a fantastic cafĂ© called Ethel’s Kitchen in Hove yesterday and on their menu they state that mums are welcome to breastfeed. It’s lovely that they want to be so welcoming to mums but I think it’s a sad indication that other places aren’t so welcoming, as was highlighted in an example just last week by BrightonMums.com on their blog.

        Mums have a right to feed their babies anywhere. Maybe if more businesses worked on welcoming breastfeeding mums, coupled with the availability of the nursing shawls for that bit of extra privacy, more mums may feel confident about breastfeeding in public?